THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners
looming, now is the time for us to show the world
just how much we care. It's just not right.
Hundreds of basketball players in our very own
country are living at or just below the seven-figure
salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad
enough, they will be deprived of pay for several
weeks-possibly a whole year-as a result of the
strike. But now you can help! For about two
thousand dollars a day-that's less than the cost of a
large screen projection TV-you can help a basketball
player remain economically viable during his time of
need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot
of money to you, but to a basketball player it could
mean the difference between a vacation spent
golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For
you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than
three months rent or mortgage payments. But to
a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will
almost replace his salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will
enable a player to buy that home entertainment
center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new
Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial
report on the player you sponsor. Detailed
information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real
estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed
to your home. You'll also get information on how he
plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will
receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for
this program, you will receive a photo of the player
(unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to
remind you of other peoples' suffering.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a
SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time
of need. Although the player won't know your
name, he will be able to make collect calls to your
home via a special operator just in case additional
funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
Simply fill out the form below.
___YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball
player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please
select one for me.
* Higher cost ** Much higher cost *** Please call
our 900 number
> >to ask
for the cost of a specific team (Sorry, does not
include
cheerleaders).
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per
day for a reserve player or starter for the duration
of
the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I
have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very
own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly
on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express
[ ] DiscoverCard [ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: _____________________
Account Number: ___________________
Exp.Date:_________
Signature: __________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or
call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone.
(Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the
player they have sponsored, either in person or by
other means including, but not limited to, telephone
calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in
mind
that the basketball player you have sponsored will be
much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your
generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not
tax-deductible.
Rejected Dr. Suess Books:
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo. Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch Two Bitch Dead Bitch Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*** Out!
12. Yentil the Lentil
13. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
14. Aunts in my Pants
15. The Grinch's Ten Inches
16. The Cat in the Hat Strikes Back
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would
>> > >you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
>> > >
>> > >Why do we say something is out of whack? What is
a whack?
>> > >
>> > >Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?
>> > >
>> > >If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>> > >
>> > >Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be
>> > >wearing nightgowns?
>> > >
>> > >If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
>> > >
>> > >When someone asks you, "A penny for your
thoughts," and you put
>> > >your two cents in, what happens to the other
penny?
>> > >
>> > >Why is the man who invests all your money called
a broker?
>> > >
>> > >Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's
just stale bread
>> > >to begin with.
>> > >
>> > >Why is a person who plays the piano called a
pianist, but a
>> > >person who drives a race car not called a racist?
>> > >
>> > >Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
>> > >
>> > >Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
>> > >
>> > >If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific
mean to make
>> > >terrible?
>> > >
>> > >Why isn't 11 pronounced unity one?
>> > >
>> > >If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it
>> > >follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,
>> > >cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked and
>> > >drycleaners depressed?
>> > >
>> > >Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
>> > >
>> > >Why is it that if someone tells you that there
are 1 billion
>> > >stars in the universe you will believe them, but
if they tell you
>> > >a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to
be sure?
>> > >
>> > >If you take an Asian person and spin him around
several times,
>> > >does he become disoriented?
>> > >
>> > >If people from Poland are called "Poles," why
aren't people from
>> > >Holland called "Holes?"
A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to
your PMS thing, we
men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think
the average life
span of
a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just
from all the
bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies
behavior. We're just
misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you
honestly think
that all
the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment
we met you?
Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not
getting caught.
I'm
fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory
deal. Women take
one
quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since
men lack this
ability,
we try to burn it into our memory by
staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY
IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little
friend and make him
happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is
just an added
bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun
to see our
partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if
every time you
open it
you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it
because we enjoy
it. It's
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's
missing in so much of
the
world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so
hard to understand
that
men and women are different? How are we supposed to
share how we feel
when we
have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing
some extreme
emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have
no idea how we
feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure
out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND
HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is
in a day? We
oblige
you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women)
can stand lying
around
for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go
roam... Starve in
cave...
Must go find wild beast... Now sitting on our asses
for hours on end
on the
other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT
MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles
developed by
evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time
without getting
tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one
spot for
extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful hunters
were able
to sit very still for very extended periods of time
thereby passing on
this
ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all
gobbled up by
saber
toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all
modern men are
born
with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be
self-sufficient.
To
say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we
need you. Most
men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to
admit to one's own
character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY
KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some
men think it's
a sure
fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it
actually still works
quite
well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to
answer every single
one of
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer,
or that you
will not
like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the
energy for other
things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us
that much.
Besides, we
know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of
courting. It's our
way to
let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe
it or not, it's
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for
extended periods
of
time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women
gather. We
just want
to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to
spend hours and
hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? Err...
buying?
> >A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise
> > >essay containing these four elements:
> > >
> > > - religion
> > > - royalty
> > > - sex
> > > - mystery
> > >
> > > The prize-winning essay read:
> > >
> > > "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I
wonder who did it?"
> >
Element Name: WOMAN
* Symbol: WO
* Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
* Physical Properties: Generally round in form.
Boils at nothing and may freeze any time.
Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if
not used well.
* Chemical properties: Very active. Highly
unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent
when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of
exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed
next to a better specimen.
* Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good
catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the
most powerful income reducing agent known.
* Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
* Element Name: MAN
* Symbol: XY
* Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
* Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,
but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense
and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable
to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
* Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO
any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong
bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed
with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of
time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
* Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Good samples are able to produce large quantities
on command.
* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly
decomposes and begins to smell.
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This
change from
BC to AD is
giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time
left. I
don't know how
people will cope with working the wrong way around.
Having been
working
happily downwards forever, now we have to start
thinking upwards.
You would
think that someone would have thought of it earlier and
not left
it to us to
sort it all out at this last minute. I spoke to Caesar
the other
evening. He
was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it
when he was
sorting out
the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned
nasty.
We called in the consulting astrologers, but they
simply said
that
continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As
usual, the
consultants
charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for
myself, I just
can't see
the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. We have
heard that
there are
three wise men in the East who have been working on the
problem,
but
unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of
transition. Anyway
we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero
K problem
and I will
send you a parchment if anything further develops.
SWELLING HIPPIE HERDS POSE THREAT TO FRAGILE FREAKOSYSTEM
WASHINGTON, DC--The indigenous North American hippie
population
has
expanded to the point that its teeming herds are
endangering the planet's fragile freakosystem, warned a
Department of the
Interior report released Monday.
According to the report, over the past 20
years, the
wide-ranging, largely migratory hippies have more than
tripled in
population, insidiously infiltrating nearly every other
U.S.
subculture
while venturing far beyond their natural Vermont and
Colorado
habitats.
"Due to the species' lack of predators,
willingness to live
almost
anywhere and rabbit-like breeding habits, the hippie
has become
the most
prevalent feature on the American countercultural
landscape,"
Secretary
of the Interior Bruce Babbitt said. "If we do not soon
find a way
to thin
their herds, they will overwhelm every other subculture
on the
continent,
potentially leading to freakological disaster on a mass
global
scale."
Experts say the hippie-related environmental
damage has
largely
been the result of their sheer numbers. Long regarded
as a mere
nuisance
species, the hippies have grown over the past 10 years
into one
of the
most populous in North America, numbering close to 20
million.
Further,
because of the hippie herds' normal daily cycle of
waking,
bongo-playing
and large-scale grass consumption, followed by a brief
period of
torpor
and then aggressive nutritive replenishment, their
freakological
impact
is enormous.
"Each summer, the hippie herds migrate north to
Boulder,
wiping out
80 to 90 percent of the hummus supply of the regions
through
which they
pass," National Park Service director Roger Kennedy
said. "In
certain
parts of Colorado, by mid-August, the patchouli
reservoirs are
entirely
drained."
The burgeoning herds--identifiable by their
dreadlocked
hair,
hemp jewelry and distinctive tie-dyed markings--have
greatly
affected the
quality of life of people living in these areas of high
hippie
concentration. "They're everywhere," said Linda Hewson
of
Albany, NY.
"Last night, when I went to take out the trash, I found
one of
them
foraging through my garbage cans for Dead bootlegs. I
shooed it
away,
but a bunch more came by later scavenging for discarded
twirling
sticks."
"My property is overrun with them," said
Vallejo, CA,
resident
Patrick Davis, who said he is considering moving if the
problem
gets
worse. "They even set up a bead-vending stand in my
backyard."
First introduced into the cultural landscape in
the early
1960s,
the hippie, or homo habilis VWbus, was initially
applauded by
freakologists, who believed they would be beneficial in
curbing
the
growth of the then-ubiquitous Establishment Type. When
the crisis
passed
in the early 1970s, the hippie population was reduced
to a
fraction of
its former size, creating room in the American
freakosystem for
numerous
other subcultures, including punks, new-wavers and
goths. Social
developments of recent years, however, have caused the
hippies'
numbers
to balloon once more.
"For some time, it was believed that the
extinction of
Jerry Garcia
and the dispersal of The Grateful Dead would have a
suppressive
effect on
the size of the hippie population," Kennedy said.
"Surprisingly,
though,
exactly the opposite has happened: The herds have
grown,
diversifying and
spreading out. In the past, if the Dead were playing in
Chicago,
the
entire hippie species would be singularly concentrated
there. But
today,
you could have a herd of hippies at Red Rocks to see
Phish while,
at the
very same moment, an equally large herd is massing in
Ann Arbor
for a
Widespread Panic show."
Another reason for the hippie explosion,
environmentalists
say,
lies in the differences between the current crop and
the more
mature,
"old-growth" hippies of the 1960s. While old-growth
hippies were
a gentle
species that was considered a mild annoyance at worst,
the new
breed,
they say, is a hardier, more insidious creature which
seems to
thrive in
virtually any environment.
"We're seeing these young hippies in the malls,
in
fraternities, on
Madison Avenue--all kinds of places where hippies were
once
considered non-indigenous," said Alfred Meijer of the
Nature
Conservancy.
"Years of cross-breeding and exposure to television
have produced
a
hybridized, consumer-culture-bred hippie that can adapt
to
literally any environment, countercultural or
mainstream. And
unlike the
old-growth hippies, which at least were
anti-materialistic, the
new ones
are voracious consumers, swiftly depleting their
habitat of all
resources
and purchasable goods."
Though most experts agree that the vast herds
must be
thinned, they
are divided on how to go about it. Some are calling for
the
hippies to be
spayed and neutered and then placed in designated
preserve areas,
where
they would be free to roam peacefully and play
hacky-sack.
Others
suggest more extreme measures, advocating the use of
large,
headshop-shaped traps to lure the hippies. Once inside
the traps,
the
hippies would be poisoned with super-adhesive,
cyanide-laced
Guatemalan
blankets and sweaters.
"Whatever we do, we must do it soon," Babbitt
said. "If we
don't,
we are dooming our children to live in a world overrun
with
backless
apron dresses and bare feet. And that is a fate we can
ill
afford."
>>> Subject: FW: accident
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> A married couple was in a terrible accident where
the woman's >
face
>>> was severely burned.
>>> >
>>> > The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin
>>> > from her body because she was too skinny. So the
husband offered
>>> > to donate some of his own skin.
>>> >
>>> > However, the only skin on his body that the
doctor felt was
>>> > suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and
>>> > wife agreed that they would tell no one about
where the skin came
>>> > from, and requested that the doctor also honor
their secret.
>>> >
>>> > After all, this was a very delicate matter.
>>> >
>>> > After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the
>>> > woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful
than she ever had
>>> before!
>>> >
>>> > All her friends and relatives just went on and on
about her
>>> > youthful beauty!
>>> >
>>> > One day, she was alone with her husband, and she
was overcome
>>> > with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear,
I just want to
>>> > thank you for everything you did for me. There
is no way I could
>>> ever
>>> > repay you."
>>> >
>>> > "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it.
I get all the
>>> > thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss
you on the cheek.
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > >>
>>> >
>>> >
>>>
>
Subj: Fwd: Walking on the Moon
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first
walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "one small step for man,
one giant leap
for mankind" statement but followed it with several
remarks, usually
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he
re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic
remark "Good
luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark
concerning some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there
was no Gorsky
in either the Russian or American space programs. Over
the years many
people questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the
statement meant, but he
always just smiled.
Just last year, (on July 5, 1997 in Tampa Bay, FL)
while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the
26 year old
question to Mr. Armstrong. This time he finally
responded. Mr. Gorsky
had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could
answer the
question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a
friend in the
backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed
outside his
neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. &
Mrs. Gorsky. As
he leaned down to pick up
the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky;
"Oral sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when
the kid next
door walks on the moon!"
>
>> >There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere where
the
>> >following people are stranded:
>> >
>> >2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
>> >2 French men and 1 French woman
>> >2 German men and 1 German woman
>> >2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
>> >2 English men and 1 English woman
>> >2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
>> >2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
>> >2 American men and 1 American woman
>> >2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
>> >
>> >One month later on these absolutely stunning
deserted islands in
the
>> >middle of nowhere, the following things have
occurred:
>> >
>> >One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
the Italian woman.
>> >
>> >The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together
in
>> a
>> >menage a trois.
>> >
>> >The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of
when they
alternate
>> >with the German woman.
>> >
>> >The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and
the Greek woman is
>> >cleaning and cooking for them.
>> >
>> >The 2 English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the
>> >English woman.
>> >
>> >The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless
ocean and one
look at
>> >the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
>> >
>> >The two American men are contemplating the virtues
of suicide,
while
>> the
>> >American woman keeps on bitching about her body
being her own, the
true
>> >nature of feminism, how she can do everything that
they can do,
about
>> >the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
household
chores,
>> >how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her much
nicer
>> >and how her relationship with her mother is
improving. But at least
the
>> >taxes are low and it is not raining.
>> >
>> >The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are
waiting for
instructions.
>> >
>> >The Irish began by dividing the island into North
and South and by
>> >setting up a distillery. They do not remember if
sex is in the
picture
>> >because it gets sort of foggy after the first few
litres of coconut
>> >whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least
the English are
not
>> >getting any.
>
>
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his
father was trying to read in the den. The family dog
was lying in the
den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's
violin reached his
ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to
the dog and the
violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed
his paper to
the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake!
Can't you play
something the dog doesn't know?"
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>Understanding The Engineer
>
>The optimist: This glass is half full.
>The pessimist: This glass is half empty.
>The engineer: This container is twice as large as it
needs to be.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>Minnesota's new state motto: "Our governor can whip
your governor."
>----------------------------------------------------
>
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first
class on
emotional
extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor
to the student
from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
>"Sadness," said the student.
>
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young
lady from
Oklahoma. "Elation," said she.
>
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas,
"how about the
opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be
giddy-up."
>========
>An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert
without finding a
source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies
of thirst. He's
crawling
through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of
a
sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand
several yards
ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers that
he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that
there may be a drop
or two
left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out
pops a genie. But
this is
no
ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic
rabbi, complete
with
black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
>"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works.
You have three
wishes."
>"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not
going to trust
a
Jewish
>genie!"
>"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a
goner anyway!"
>The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides
that the genie
is
right.
>"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful
food and drink."
>***POOF***
>The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he
has ever seen.
>And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters
of delicacies.
>"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
>"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."
> ***POOF***
>The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare
>gold coins and precious gems.
>"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it
a good one!"
>After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I
wish I were white
>and surrounded by beautiful women."
> ***POOF***
>The Arab is turned into a Tampax
>
> The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you
wish for. There
may be
a string attached.
>
>===========
>This guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders
a white wine.
>Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised,
and the
bartender
>looks around and says:
>"You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from,
boy?".
>The guy says, "I'm from Sydney."
>The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Sydney?"
>The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
>The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what
th' hell is a
taxidermist?"
>The guy says "I mount dead animals."
>The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
>"It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
>==========
M.D.s Who Mind Their P's and Q's
Shouldn't Misplace Their Modifiers
By Emma Blount, Staff Reporter, Wall Street Journal
Doctors may want to try a little harder to dot their
i's and cross
their t's.
That's the advice from Details in Professional
Liability, a newsletter
published by Frontier Healthcare, which insures about
12,000
physicians.
The winter issue includes some curious patient-chart
notes written by
health-care providers at several major hospitals. They
were provided by
Frank Weinstock, a Canton, Ohio, ophthalmologist and
Frontier
consultant, who got the list from another insurer.
Gary P. Machnowski, Frontier's senior risk manager,
says "standing
alone" such items wouldn't get more than a chuckle from
a jury. But if
a
plaintiff's attorney could show a pattern-that the
doctor is sloppy in
his
chart notes and he is sloppy in his work-then it might
be a problem.
Here's the list:
"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and
handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.''
"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
"The skin was moist and dry."
“The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life until
1989
when she got a divorce."
“The patient was in his usual state of good health
until his airplane
ran
out of gas and crashed."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical
therapy."
"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and
pet turtle, who
is
presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
"Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all
the way to Los
Angeles."
"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for
the right foot."
"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated
and sent
home."
"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as
stockbroker instead."
"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed
with his family
in no distress."
A distant cousin of Syngman Rhee from Korea
got a job as a
photographer for Life Magazine. His work
was excellent and
he
soon
became one of their top stars. One day he
failed to show up
for
work. A week went by and he still did not
show. Fellow
workers
phoned his hotel and checked all possible
points where he
could
be
visiting. Finally, they organized a posse
and began combing
the
city
block by block. One searcher entered a bar
in the slinky
part
of
town, and there, on a stool, was his man.
Overcome with joy and relief, the searcher
rushed up and
exclaimed,
"Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee, of Life, at last I
found you."
and
OBITUARY -- RENOWN SCIENTIST, 58, DIES
ATHOL, WY (DPI) -- A freak accident at an
experimental
geothermal
power plant claimed the life of noted
electro-nutritionist
Dr.
Otto
Mymynd. Mymynd earned the scorn of his
colleges in his
early
years
when he called them myopic sycophants. He
later gained
their
flattery with such inventions as the
infrared flashlight,
the
burpless cucumber, methane deficient
cabbage and the
environmentally
safe tofu laser.
The accident was witnessed by his
voluptuous 23-year-old
full-time
research aide and part-time paramour, Lily
Pond. While
working
on a
method to re-hydrate four week old bakery
products, he
apparently
became distracted when Miss Pond uncrossed
her legs. At
that
moment
he tripped over his own feet and plunged
headlong into the
boiling
lava. He was instantly vaporized. Said Miss
Pond, "Golly,
when
he
finds out what's happened, he's going to be
pretty steamed.
I
think
I speak for the entire scientific community
when I say he
will
be
mist."
A letter from a Blonde Y2K Engineer
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions.
Because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to
me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months
on all the
company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go
with the
following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
"You Were an Accident!"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Can Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave
Games"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
"The Day Arnold Found Videos Under Papa's Bed"
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to
the husband, "I
have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day
and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other
guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you
went to bed
with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When
they get done,
the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room
service and get
some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that. "
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to
make love
with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets
up and goes over
to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to
get room service
to
get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and
makes love to
his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and
beat. He drags
himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par
for this hole.
Things you would never know without the movies...
>
> ...All telephone numbers in America begin with the
digits 555.
>
> ...If being chased through town, you can usually take
cover in a
> passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of
the year.
>
> ...All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which
reach up to the
> armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on
the man lying
> beside her.
>
> ...All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French
> Bread.
>
> ...It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing
there is someone in
> the control tower to talk you down.
>
> ...Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even
while scuba
> diving.
>
> ...The ventilation system of any building is the
perfect hiding
> place. No one will ever think of looking for you in
there and you
> can travel to any other part of the building you want
without
> difficulty.
>
> ...If you need to reload your gun, you will always
have more
> ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any
before now.
>
> ...You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you
> make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back
> home.
>
> ...Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German
officer, it will
> not be necessary to speak the language. A German
accent will do.
>
> ...If your town is threatened by an imminent natural
disaster or
> killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the
tourist trade or
> his forthcoming art exhibition.
>
> ...The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in
Paris.
>
> ...A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating
> but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
wounds.
>
> ...When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet
as you take out
> a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over.
It will always be
> the exact fare.
>
> ...Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering
a kitchen at
> night, you should open the fridge door and use that
light instead.
>
> ...If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any
> strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
>
> ...Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for
their family
> every morning even though their husband and children
never have time
> to eat it.
>
> ...Cars that crash will almost always burst into
flames.
>
> ...The Chief of Police will always suspend his star
detective - or
> give him 48 hours to finish the job.
>
> ...A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of
> RFK Stadium.
>
> ...Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
>
> ...Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt
upright and pant.
>
> ...It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when
beginning or
> ending phone conversations.
>
> ...Even when driving down a perfectly straight road
it is necessary
> to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few
> moments.
>
> ...All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red
> readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go
off.
>
> ...It is always possible to park directly outside the
building you
> are visiting.
>
> ...A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended from
> duty.
>
> ...It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered
in a fight
> involving martial arts - your enemies will wait
patiently to attack
> you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you
> have knocked out their predecessors.
>
> ...When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to
the head, they
> will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
>
> ...No one involved in a car chase, hijacking,
explosion, volcanic
> eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
>
> ...Police departments give their officers personality
tests to make
> sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total
> opposite.
>
> ...When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to
speak English to
> each other.
>
> ...You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
>
> ...Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper
clip in seconds
> - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped
> inside.
>
> ...Television news bulletins usually contain a story
that affects you
> personally at that precise moment. >>
>
--------------------
Dan Quale, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are
campaigning in Kansas and get swept up in a tornado
and carried off to the Land of Oz. On the road
to see the Wizzard, Dan Quale says "Great! I can get
a new brain!" Newt Gingrich says "Great! I can get
a new heart!" Bill Clinton:"Great! Where's Dorothy?"
Definitions from the tech world:
Newest terms to add to your vocabulary in the late
90s office environment:
Assmosis = The process by which some people seem
to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to
the boss.
Blamestorming = Sitting around in a group
discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed and who was
responsible.
Seagull Manager = A manager who flies in, makes a
lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Salmon day = The experience of spending an
entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed
and die in the end.
Chainsaw consultant = An outside expert brought in
to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass
with clean hands.
CLM = Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs
to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss
while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
(Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior)
Adminisphere= The rarefied organizational layers
beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions
that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.
Flight Risk = Used to describe employees who are
suspected of planning to leave the company or
department soon.
404 = Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide
Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that
the requested document could not be located.
"Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
Ohnosecond = That minuscule fraction of time in
which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance = The fine art of whacking
the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.
Prairie Dogging = When someone yells or drops
something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of
cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls
to see what's going on.
Anagrams of note:
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made
by transposing or rearranging the letters of another
word or phrase. The following are exceptionally
clever.
>Dormitory Dirty Room
>Evangelist Evil's Agent
>Desperation A Rope Ends It
>The Morse Code Here Come Dots
>Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
>Animosity Is No Amity
>Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :)
>Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
>Alec Guinness Genuine Class
>Semolina Is No Meal
>The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls,
I Bet
>A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
>The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
>Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
>Contradiction Accord not in it
>Princess Diana.... Ascend in Paris (freaky,
right?)
>This one's truly amazing:
>"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether
tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and
arrows of outrageous fortune."
>And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our
insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about
how life turns rotten."
>And for the grand finale:
>"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for
mankind."-Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins
flag on moon! On to Mars!"
The Bill of no rights:
The following was written by State Representative
Mitchell Kaye from
GA.
You may find it interesting:
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help
everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice,
avoid any more
riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior,
and secure the
blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more
time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny,
guilt-ridden, deluded, and other liberal Bed-wetters.
We hold these
truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people
are
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they
require a Bill
of No Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can
legally acquire
them,but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be
offended. This
country
is based on freedom, and that means freedom for
everyone - not just
you!
You may leave the room, change the channel, express a
different
opinion,etc., but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will
be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from
harm. If you
stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more
careful, do not
expect
the tool manufacturer to make you and all your
relatives independently
wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and
housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found,
and will gladly
help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary
of subsidizing
generation after generation of professional couch
potatoes who achieve
nothing more than then creation of another generation
of professional
couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health
care. That would be
nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just
not interested
in
public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically
harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill
someone, don't be
surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the
electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If
you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of
other citizens,
don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and
lock you away in
a
place where you still won't have the right to a big
screen color TV or
a
life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that
our children risk
their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching
conscience. We hate
oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop
you from going
to
fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting
the entire
world
and do not want to spend so much of our time battling
each and every
little
tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of
us sure want all
of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in
hard times, but
we
expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of
education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness.
Being an American
means that you have the right to pursue happiness -
which, by the way,
is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an
overabundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.
If you agree, we strongly urge you to forward this to
as many people as
you can. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will
befall you
should you not forward it. We just think it is about
time common sense
is allowed to flourish - call it the age of reason
revisited.
----------------------------
Why is English the lingua franca ?
Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty
Organization
headquarters
near Paris found English to be an easy language ...
until they tried to
pronounce it.
To help them discard an array of accents, the verses
below were
devised.
After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six
months at hard
labor to
reading six lines aloud.
ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, and pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!